Category: Humor

The Salt Truck

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This was sent from a friend, and I wish I knew the writer at the end to Thank her for sharing it! It is a wonderful laugh!

Enjoy!

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…

“Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Minnesota and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

Three Things to Think About!

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COWS

 Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
 that our government can track a cow born in Canada
 almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
 sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
 her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
 illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we
 should give them all a cow.
 

THE CONSTITUTION

  They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
 Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written
 by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over
 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.
 

 TEN COMMANDMENTS

 The real reason that we can’t have the Ten
 Commandments in a courthouse……..

You cannot post
 “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit
 Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full
 of lawyers, judges and politicians — it creates a
 hostile work environment.

The Blonde

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A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. “I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM.” Signed, “The Blonde.”

She pinned the note inside the little boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. “Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another.”

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

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…..true story…..(at least the e-Mail said so!)

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The
robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, ‘At
least we’ll have a bit to eat.’

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all s safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond , or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The
newspaper headline read:

IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING…

Spaghetti!

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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said. “You received a very strange post card today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

Statics 100 Engineering Question of the Day?

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Q.) How much does a house weigh?


A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

SO WOULD THIS BE COVERED BY HOUSE INSURANCE, CAR INSURANCE, OR, DOES IT COME UNDER ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE?

Or do they just put a ramp on both ends and call it a new covered bridge?

Pure Laughter

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Mother -What a JOY

My Mother got so tickled… then I did…

WE … Don’t remember what it was about! BUT,

They say…

#LaughterIsTheBestMedicine . Here it was .

Right … We Laughed . so hard … we . almost …

You know the rest!

April 5th • Her Birthday

#ImBlessed

The Present!

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A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl!!!”

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?” “Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!”

Moral of the story: Don’t tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!

Need A Push?

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he’s told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,
“Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

Replies the drunk – “Over here on the swing!”

How To Call The Police!

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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Ok,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!

The Pharmacist

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription. “

Do NOT try this at home! LOL!