Tag: Humor

The Salt Truck

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This was sent from a friend, and I wish I knew the writer at the end to Thank her for sharing it! It is a wonderful laugh!

Enjoy!

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.”

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the window.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck window.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…

“Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Minnesota and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK!”

Three Things to Think About!

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COWS

 Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing
 that our government can track a cow born in Canada
 almost three years ago, right to the stall where she
 sleeps in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
 her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million
 illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we
 should give them all a cow.
 

THE CONSTITUTION

  They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for
 Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written
 by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over
 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.
 

 TEN COMMANDMENTS

 The real reason that we can’t have the Ten
 Commandments in a courthouse……..

You cannot post
 “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit
 Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full
 of lawyers, judges and politicians — it creates a
 hostile work environment.

The Blonde

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A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote a note. “I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7AM.” Signed, “The Blonde.”

She pinned the note inside the little boy’s jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag with the cash was the following note. “Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another.”

Vanilla Pudding Robbery

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…..true story…..(at least the e-Mail said so!)

This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the security system got underway immediately. The
robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with
cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes
throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe’s combination, and inside they
found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.

As recorded on the bank’s audio tape system, one robber said, ‘At
least we’ll have a bit to eat.’

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all s safes were opened.

They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond , or an ounce of gold.
Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with
nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The
newspaper headline read:

IRELAND’S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING…

Spaghetti!

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A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money, if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said. “You received a very strange post card today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and fainted.

On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without.

Statics 100 Engineering Question of the Day?

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Q.) How much does a house weigh?


A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

SO WOULD THIS BE COVERED BY HOUSE INSURANCE, CAR INSURANCE, OR, DOES IT COME UNDER ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE?

Or do they just put a ramp on both ends and call it a new covered bridge?

Pure Laughter

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Mother -What a JOY

My Mother got so tickled… then I did…

WE … Don’t remember what it was about! BUT,

They say…

#LaughterIsTheBestMedicine . Here it was .

Right … We Laughed . so hard … we . almost …

You know the rest!

April 5th • Her Birthday

#ImBlessed

The Present!

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A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl!!!”

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?” “Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!”

Moral of the story: Don’t tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!

Need A Push?

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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is three o’clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring outside!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he’s told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark,
“Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

Replies the drunk – “Over here on the swing!”

How To Call The Police!

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George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, “Ok,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now cause I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!

The Pharmacist

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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription. “

Do NOT try this at home! LOL!

A New Store:

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Husbands for SALE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. “That’s nice”, she thinks, “but I want more.” So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. “Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop Dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. “Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it! “Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop Dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a

New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Principal’s Office

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Principal's Office

Modern Technology

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Modern Technology

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st century, old man” he said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod.”
I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it…

God’s Sense of Humor

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While creating wives, God promised men that good

and obedient wives would be found in all corners of

the world.

 

And then He made the earth round.

 

Celebrity Duck Faces

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While these are a ‘new’ thing to me – I guess I’ve seen them & NOT know what they were – Until now…….Who Knew?  There are certainly some that do it ‘OK’ while others should NEVER do it again.  Some might need a little practice or just give up …. some seem to be natural at it!

What is a DUCK FACE?

Well this is how the Celebrities say it’s done……

How do you do the celebrity duck face? It’s a little pucker, a little pout and a whole lot of attitude.

 This is one of my favorites listed …and you too will probably agree.

 

 Jennifer Lopez

Beautifully Done Duck Face
No diva photo is complete without the infamous duck pout.

 More of the Celebs Pouts here …http://bit.ly/piXnW6

Materialistic Lawyer

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Lexus GS 300
Image via Wikipedia

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver’s door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most import ant things in life.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!”

“OH, MY GOD!!!” screamed the lawyer.

(keep reading)

“My Rolex !!!!”

Why write a blog? Top Ten (via Hobbling Around)

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Found this interesting read & I think you will tooooo!

Looks like she is NEW to WP – so a warm welcome to her!

10. You tried out for “America’s Got Talent” and didn’t make the cut. 9. You are too fat to leave the house. 8. The kids think you are “working” when you write. 7. You are a conspiracy theorist and don’t trust people who are “real”. 6. You are too boring in person. 5. Life offers too many stupid people and situations to ignore. 4. You want to be able to look back some day and say “see, I told you so” 3. You have too much time to sit around and do … Read More

via Hobbling Around

Texting For Seniors

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thought the following listing was appropriate….after all; the kids have all their little codes…like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:
 
ATD – At the Doctor’s
 
BFF – Best Friends Funeral
 
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
 
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
 
CBM – Covered by Medicare
 
CUATSC – See You at the SeniorCenter
 
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
 
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
 
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
 
FYI – Found Your Insulin
 
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
 
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
 
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
 
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
 
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
 
LOL – Living on Lipitor
 
LWO – Lawrence Welk‘s On
 
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
 
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
 
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
 
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
 
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
 
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
 
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
 
WWNO -WalkerWheels Need Oil
 
HTH – Hope these help!
 
GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in
 
 

The World’s Most Outrageous Yachts

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Now this is JUST  – ONE – that was shown of 12….

Octopus - One of Twelve Yachts

Octopus

 

Microsoft-cofounder Paul Allen’s 414-foot, blue-and-white megayacht, built for $200 million (and with an estimated annual operating budget of $20 million), is seriously tricked out. The behemoth is equipped with a recording studio, jet-ski dock, full-size basketball court, seven boats, a 63-foot tender, room for a crew of 60, two helipads (each with its own helicopter), and two submarines—one remote-control operated for studying the ocean’s floor, the other with the capacity to sleep eight guests and spend up to two weeks underwater.

(Photo: Kevin Perkins/Newscom)

 

 Find more … [ here http://onforb.es/qo8kXF  ] Forbes

 

Inner Peace

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Inner Peace

 

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people

with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to

give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

 

…Then You Are Probably………

 

The Family Dog!

 

Annual Physical

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After the eighty-three-year-old lady finished her annual physical
examination, the doctor said,

“You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Mallory, but tell me, do you
still have intercourse?”

“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said..

She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud:

“Henry, do we still have intercourse?” And there was a hush!

You could hear a pin drop.

Henry answered impatiently, “If I told you once, Irma, I told

you a hundred times… What we have is…….

Blue Cross!!”

Gotta love older people!

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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from
getting  sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering,
“If you were a gentleman you’d lift your hat.”
He raised an eyebrow and replied,
“If you were better looking it would lift itself.”

MY problem with TWITTER

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Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase

IF by chance you have been following me on Twitter – I made a booboo! –

They – Twitter – should learn something from WordPress.  Because I by mistake deactivated my Twitter account!  After doing this I would have thought that as popular as they are & certainly I’ve had the ‘bug bite’ …they would verify that it was ME who had deleted the account – and NOT a spammer as does WordPress!  But NO!

All my followers – All those who I had come to follow – the little things I had re-tweeted and FAV’D – GONE!  Shame on Twitter for not making sure that YOU are the one who has ‘ordered’ this … and to be honest — Facebook should do the same! —- With so many hackers – spammers out there – this is one way to make sure that YOU are the owner of the site!  Now when I made the mistake – I can now NO LONGER use M Y  e-mail that I and all that know me use!!!  I have to use another that I do not use!  But YET – Twitter still has and shows that MY e-mail and MY name are already in use (taken) DUH!!!! YES – Now why does TWITTER not get this straight? 

Why has Twitter & Facebook Not taken and learned from WordPress that misstakes can and are made & it would be better to ask & be wrong than not to ask at all!

 

PS…Don’t you think that ‘like ‘WordPress’ Facebook & Twitter should have ONE Main Log-in Page!!!!!!!!! One that also shows & tells the Features that that service provides & WHAT to look for??

…. The photo above in this post – I’ve not seen before!

Good – Better – Best

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GOOD
In Warwick, a Rhode Island State Trooper was running
radar. He had a  perfect spot to watch for speeders,
but wasn’t  getting any. Then he discovered the problem.
A 12 year old boy was  standing up the road with a hand
painted sign which read ‘RADAR TRAP  AHEAD!’ The
officer later found a young accomplice down the road
with a sign reading,’TIPS’ and a bucket full of money.
(Beats a lemonade  stand!)

BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his  car speeding
through an automated radar post in Cranston, RI   A
$40.00 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he
sent the  police department a picture of$40.00.   The
police responded  with another mailed photo of
handcuffs.

BEST
A  young woman was pulled over in Providence, RI
for speeding. As the RI  State Trooper walked to her car
window, flipping open his ticket book,  she said, ‘I bet
you are going to sell me a ticket to the Rhode  Island
State Police Ball.’ He replied, ‘ RI State Troopers
don’t  have balls.’  There was a moment of silence
while she smiled and he  realized what he’d just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his  patrol car and
left.   She was laughing too hard to start her  car.

Does anyone want a dog?

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My house was broken into last night by two robbers who locked me in the bathroom, and proceeded to steal all they could carry. My watchdog, “Sunshine”, did not alert me, and for this reason I am giving him away. I no longer want a dog – I’m installing an electric fence and detection devices with alarms. They’re cheaper and more reliable. For those interested in adopting the dog please send an e-mail urgently.
 
A photo of “Sunshine” is attached.
 
 
 
 
 
 

Why parents get grey hair

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boss
Image by Cibernya via Flickr

 

The boss wondered why one of his employees was absent but had not phoned in sick. So he dialed the employee‘s home phone number and was greeted with a child‘s whisper.

‘ Hello ? ‘

‘Is your daddy home?’

‘ Yes, he’s out in the garden ,’ whispered the small voice. ‘

May I talk with him?’

The child whispered, ‘ No .’ ;

So the boss asked, ‘Well, is your Mommy there?’

‘ Yes, she’s out in the garden too ‘

& The boss asked; ‘May I talk with her?’

Again the small voice whispered, ‘ No .’

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, ‘Is anybody else there?’

‘ Yes.’ whispered the child, ‘ A policeman. ‘

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, ‘Well, may I speak with the policeman?’

‘ No, he’s busy. ‘ whispered the child.

‘Busy doing what?’

‘ Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men. ‘

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, ‘What is that noise?’

‘ It’s a helicopter. ‘ answered the whispering voice.

‘What is going on there?’ demanded the boss, now truly worried.

‘ The search team just landed a helicopter. ‘

‘A search team?’ said the boss. ‘What are they searching for?’

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle, ‘ Me! ‘

Hang on – It’s Friday!

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\\ \\\ | /// //
\\ \\ | /////
\\\\~ ~////
( @ @ )
—————-oOOo-(_)-oOOo—————-

…………………oooO..Oooo…………………
(…..)..(…..)
\~(…..)~/
\_)…(_/

From a Child

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Things children will say…………

President’s Day

I was eating lunch today with my 14 year old grandson when his mom asked him  “What is tomorrow?”

He said “It’s President’s Day”

She asked “What does that mean?” …. I was waiting for something profound…

He said  “President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment.”

This is the BEST LAWYER INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR

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Cigar box with cigar cases
Image via Wikipedia

(You are invited to judge by yourself, however!).

This took place in Charlotte , North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.  Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.  In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable “fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART . . .

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!  With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

 

I’m Fine…..How are you?

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It is better to say “I’m fine” with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

 

I’M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?

 


There’s nothing the matter with me,
I’m just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

 


All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I’m overweight and I can’t get thin,
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

 


And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I’m all right.
My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin.
But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.

 


Old age is golden I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

 


The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don’t mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.

 


I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I’m therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.

The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say “I’m fine” with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.

I’M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?

 

 

Headache

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A guy is out with his buddies. He has a
few drinks, gets in the mood but true to
his wife, goes home.

When he gets home he finds her sound
asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them into
her mouth.

Of course, she chokes but recovers and
asks, “What did you put in my mouth??”

He says, “Two aspirin”.

She replies, “BUT I DON’T HAVE A HEADACHE”!!!   

He says, “That’s just what I wanted to hear.”

Did I Read That Sign Right?

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Need a laugh?? 
 
Love the teapot one, lol

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER…… PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

OLD TIMER SEX

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This is too funny to be dirty – enjoy!

 
The husband leans over and asks his wife,’Do you remember the first time we had sex together over  fifty years ago?
We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’ 

‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’ 

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time‘s sake?’ 

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’ 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. 

So he follows them. 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..Finally,they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence..

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen..

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises     and moaning and screaming. Finally,they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering,

the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,’Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.

Nagging Wife

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.
 
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, “why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?”
 
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.  I Just cannot take that chance!”
 

Bill Cosby Has Done It Again

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There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, and ammo.
Please use in that order.
Bill Cosby has a great way of “distilling” things. 
Looks like he’s done it again!   

AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!

 

I  HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..        

  

 HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase: ‘Press 1 for English‘  is immediately BANNED!!!.    English  is  the official language;  speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two–year isolationist  attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports,  and we’ll do no exports.     We will use the ‘Wal-Mart ‘s policy, 
‘If  we  ain’t got it, you don’t need it.’ We’ll make it here and sell it here!

(3). When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States  (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not  to fire on  SOUTH BOUND  aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state.   If you didn’t put nuttin in, you AIN’T getting nuttin out.  Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6). Welfare. — Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40–hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes — Steroids?  The FIRST time you check positive you’re banned from sports … for life!

(8). Crime — We will adopt the Turkish method,  i.e.,  the  first  time you steal,  you lose your right hand.  There is no more ‘life sentences’.  If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation,  etc.

(9). One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat.  However, a bushel of wheat will be the EXACT price of a barrel of oil.

(10).  All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes.  When disasters occur around the world, we’ll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it’s a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will  be said  EVERY day at school and  every day in CONGRESS.

(12). The National Anthem  will  be played at all appropriate ceremonies,  sporting events,  outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I’ve stepped on anyone’s toes …. nevertheless…..

GOD BLESS AMERICA !

Sincerely,  Bill Cosby 
  

  

  

  

  

 

Please forward this to everyone you know, no matter which side of the fence they’re on.   


When God takes something from your grasp, He’s not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better.
 

 

From the American Association Of Retired People

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Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

 　
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?

 A: Try a bookstore,

under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through
Menopause?

 A: Keep busy. If you’re handy

with tools,

you can finish the basement..

When you’re done you’ll

have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that
Menopause is mentioned in
The bible. Is that true?
Where can it be found?

 A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:

“And Mary rode Joseph’s ass

All the way to Egypt ..”
Q: How can you increase the
Heart rate of your 60-plus
Year old husband?

 A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that
Terrible curse of the elderly
Wrinkles?

 A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow’s feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

 A: Go braless. It will usually

pull them out.
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?

 A: Valets don’t forget

where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

 A: Storing memory is not

a problem,

Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

 A: Yes, but usually in

the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

 A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?

 A: “Gosh, I remember these!”
SMILE, You’ve still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?

 　

 

 

　

Do YOU use the Sign up for E-mail Alerts?

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I found that usimg E-Mail alerts are helpful an for the up-to-date when I cannot be on WordPess every day.
If you do not use the subscribe (enable) to the Email Subscription – I wish you would … I find it easy… and never miss anything that comes to my

e-mail Inbox.

I might miss something when so many are posted here on WordPRESS.

I HAVE IT AND HOPE THERE ARE SOME OF YOU WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT!

Also when finding the pages I list to folllew…some of you do not have it enabled….Maybe you should!

This is just my opinion….but to me worthwhile as I check my e-mail more often than coming to WP.

With so many others things going on (with me) ((and maybe you too))
I do like to keep up with you … that is why you are on my blogroll list!
and I’ve been so lack in this  — keeping up with you….
With this new year…  <my postings are not as often as yours> … but maybe it will get me going more often….making them readable as I should be doing!.
Hope you will  consider doing this!

One I find interesting is Things we Make!

Just a condsideration and MY Opinion!

2 DUCK HUNTERS IN WISCONSIN

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Whether this is a TRUE story or not (as in according to Snopes) ! I don’t care …. the ‘story’ is funny and gives me a laugh that I received in a e-mail.  As they say ….LAUGHTER is the best medicine!

*********************************************

2 DUCK HUNTERS IN WISCONSIN
 
ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 with monthly payments of $560.00. He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin . It’s mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go
out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR They decide they want to make a natural looking open water area for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float on.
 
Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse.
 
Our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
 
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG…? Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
 
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps
coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.
 
The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane.
 
The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.
 
The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog’s rear end; he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.
 
Then KA BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
 
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with ‘I can’t believe this just happened’ looks on their faces.
 
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make
the first of those $560.00 a month payments.
 
The dog is okay….doing fine.
 
And you thought all Rednecks lived in the South…….

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven !!

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Queen Elizabeth
And

 Dolly Parton

 

Die on the same day and they both go
Before an Angel to find out if they’ll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there’s only one space left that day,
So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there’s some particular
Reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, ‘Look at these, they’re the most perfect breasts God ever created,
And I’m sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.’
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

 

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

 The Angel says, ‘OK, your Majesty, you may go in.’
Dolly is outraged and asks, ‘What was that all about?
I show you two of God’s own perfect creations and you turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?’
‘Sorry, Dolly,’ says the Angel, ‘but even in Heaven,

 

 

A Royal Flush

Beats a Pair – 
     No Matter How Big They Are.

 

Republican vs. Democratic Women

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This is a HOOT!!!

Please View this You Tube……….

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=sXzrUztyd1Y